When Hitting is really heartbreak in disguise — Understanding the Older Sibling’s Rage

When a second child is born, the firstborn’s world changes forever. It is a  developmental wound — the loss of exclusive attachment and the shock of sharing the attachment figure. For a toddler, this is not jealousy in the adult sense; it’s a grief reaction plus a physiological stress overload.

The little one who once had full access to parental love and attention suddenly faces the greatest emotional challenge of early childhood: sharing.

Sharing space.

Sharing toys.

Sharing touch.

Sharing — the one thing their nervous system isn’t yet wired to handle.

So when hitting, pushing, or aggression appear, it’s rarely about being “naughty” or “seeking attention.” It’s about a storm in the body — a deep confusion that says:

• “Where do I belong now?”

• “Do you still love me?”

• “What happens to me when you hold the baby?”

This heartbreak has no words. It lives in the body — in fists that clench, legs that kick, in a nervous system searching for regulation.

The need isn’t just attention — it’s release.

The child needs to move through the frustration, not be told to stop feeling it.

When we offer safe outlets — hitting pillows, shaking, roaring, stomping — we give them a language the body understands: It’s safe to feel. I can express and still be loved.

The Body Needs to Release, Not Repress

When we tell a child “Don’t hit!” without helping them release what’s behind the hit, the emotion stays trapped inside.

And what is trapped does not disappear — it only waits for another moment to come out.

Children don’t yet have the brain maturity to verbalize complex emotions, but their bodies speak fluently through movement, sound, and energy.

This is why releasing through the body is essential.

How to Support Safe Release

When the storm comes — when your child wants to hit, push, throw — offer a pathway instead of punishment.

Here are some simple, powerful ways:

The Anger Pillow

• Keep a pillow that’s “safe for mad feelings.”

• Invite the child: “You can hit this pillow as hard as you need. Let it out.”

• This transforms hitting from harm into healing.

• The body gets to discharge its tension, and the nervous system learns: big energy can move safely.

Shaking or Jumping

• Ask:

• “Do you want to shake it out with me?

• ”Shake your arms, legs, shoulders — even make sound.

• Movement and sound are nature’s way of completing stress cycles.

Roaring or Growling Together

Channel the primal energy into the voice:

• “Let’s roar like lions!”

• This meets the emotion through play — powerful, safe, and connecting.

After the Release: Connection

• Once the energy moves, most children will naturally soften into tears or closeness.

• Hold them.

• Don’t rush.

• Let the body know it’s safe again.

• You can say softly:

• “All those big feelings… and you’re still loved.”

Our role as adults is to hold the container — lovingly, firmly, calmly:

“I see how angry you are. I won’t let you hurt anyone. Let’s find another way.”

No lecture, no correction — just presence.

The message underneath: “Your anger doesn’t scare me. You are safe with me.”

Because beneath every hit is a heart asking: “Will you still hold me when I am not my best self?”

When we answer yes — not with words, but with our calm presence — the aggression melts into tears, and tears into connection.

And the child learns one of life’s deepest truths:💗 Love can hold even my darkest feelings