What Happens at 1.5? Someone asked me this recently

Around 1.5 years old, something extraordinary begins to unfold in a child’s development:

• They start realizing they are a separate being.

• They discover the power of their own will.

• They practice “no” — loudly and often.

• They learn what is theirs: their toys, their time, their body.

This is the beginning of individuation — and the beginning of healthy boundaries.

And this is also when it becomes tricky.

I used to teach children something very simple:

“When you want to give something, you ask: ‘Do you want it?

’If they don’t want it, we respect that.”

And the opposite:

“If you don’t want something, you can say ‘no.

’You don’t have to take what you don’t want.”

And of course… they learned fast.

Very fast.

Suddenly:

🙈 No to diaper changes

🙈 No to washing hands

🙈 No to clothes

🙈 No to “Time to go!”

And yes — sometimes they undress themselves again, just for fun, curiosity, or the joy of freedom.

But here is the truth:

💛 We want them to say NO.

It means the boundary system is growing — like a new muscle.

The real challenge is what happens when “no” is clear……but not an option for safety or hygiene.

What Helps Instead

1. Acknowledge the “no”

   “You don’t want your diaper changed. I hear you.”

   This alone reduces resistance.

2. Offer a small bridge

   “One more minute, then we change.”

   “Do you want to walk or crawl to the teddy bear for the change?”

   A bridge transforms opposition into participation.

3. Hold the boundary with love

   “I’m going to help you now.

   You don’t like it — and that’s okay. I will be gentle and fast.”

Even when they cry, they feel you are with them, not against them.

This is how a child learns:

✔️ “My NO matters — and so does safety.”

✔️ “The adult stays with me, even when it's hard.”

✔️ “Limits can come with connection.”

What Not to Do & Why It Backfires

Some responses seem effective short-term, but create long-term confusion or emotional distance:

• Threats (“If you don’t stop, I’ll leave!”)They create fear, not cooperation. Children learn to comply from anxiety, not trust.

• Ignoring the “no” completely

  When a child’s voice is consistently overridden, they may grow into adults who:— can’t say no— feel guilty expressing preferences— tolerate disrespect

• Rushing or forcing

  This triggers panic in the nervous system. The child learns: “My needs don’t matter.”

• The use of “bribes” to convince the child to make the transition:

  “If you come / if you get dressed / if you come in / if you don’t cry – I’ll give you chocolate.”

  
  

  I know the intention is good — the parent just wants to make the moment easier.

  But this strategy doesn’t work in the long run and, in fact, creates other difficulties:

• The child learns to suppress his emotions for a reward

  When a child is scared, separated from his mother, tired or overwhelmed, he needs regulation, not negotiation.

  If we reward him to “stop feeling” → the child learns that his emotions have no place.

• We create dependence on external rewards

  Today it’s chocolate. Tomorrow it’s a toy.

  In a few months the child can only function with:

  “What will you give me if I do this?”

  This sabotages their autonomy, confidence, and ability to self-regulate.

• Rewards increase anxiety over time

  When a child receives chocolate to enter kindergarten, their brain learns:

  “It’s so hard that I have to be paid to endure.”

  Thus, the transition does not become easier — it becomes even more tense.

• The opportunity for connection is lost

  Bribes replace what the child really needs at that moment:

  • 💛 to be seen

  • 💛 to have their fear contained

  • 💛 to regulate through the presence of an adult

  A “come on, I’m here with you” does infinitely more than a candy bar.

• The child may feel shame

  Especially at 3–5 years old, children interpret:

  “I have to get something so I can stop being difficult.”

  This can create a layer of shame, right at the time when self-image is being consolidated.

🔹 What works instead?

✔️ Calm presence

✔️ Gentle physical connection (hand, light pressure on the back, eye contact)

✔️ Transition rituals

✔️ Predictability

✔️ Micro-steps (not throwing the child into the situation)

✔️ Validation: “I see you, it’s hard right now.”

✔️ An adult who remains the regulator, not the “boss” of the situation

Children don’t need “motivation” to go through changes —they need an emotional anchor.

Children do not need perfection. They need adults who try to stay connected while holding healthy limits.

This is the foundation of true autonomy later.

When They Say “NO” to Everything

Yes, there is a phase when:

— They keep refusing.— They undress again.— They resist every step.— They seem to challenge every limit.

But often, this is not defiance.It is practice.

A child experiments with freedom, control, and influence.

And then begins the real lesson — for the adult, not the child:

💛 Can we stay present in the face of repeated NO?

💛 Can we keep the boundary without overpowering?

💛 Can we guide without breaking trust?

Here is what truly helps:

🌱 Validate the feeling.

“I see… you really like being without clothes.”

🌱 Give a little time.

“Okay. I’ll wait a moment.”

🌱 Bring play.

“Should the teddy bear check your clothes first?”

🌱 Offer two choices.

“You can do it yourself, or I help you.”

🌱 Stay present in your own body, notice the reaction created in you by the behavior, breathe with whatever appears inside (these are your own protective mechanisms learned perhaps even at your child's age).

🌱Restart calmly when resistance is high: No pressure. No battle.

Sometimes the child "accepts".

But we know: they didn’t “give in.”

They felt seen, understood, and safe enough to cooperate.

This is the power of gentleness.

Connection before cooperation

Yes, we want cooperation.

But what we want even more is connection.

A child who learns that their feelings matter — even during resistance — becomes an adult who can say:

💚 YES with their whole heart

💚 NO without guilt

This is the real beginning of autonomy.

And it starts around 1.5 years old — with a simple, powerful word: NO.