Why “Bye-bye” is not a sign of readiness for separation

I’ve noticed a growing trend: when a child around 18 months old starts saying “bye-bye,” adults interpret this gesture as a sign of readiness for kindergarten. Even some educators support this.

From my point of view, if we look closely, what seems like evidence that the baby is ready for separation is actually just the beginning of the individuation process.

Around 18 months of age, the child begins to feel “I am me” — different from mom, dad. It’s a subtle change, an awareness that comes in small steps.

Saying “bye-bye” is just one of the first ways that the child plays with this new perception of me and you, not a sign that he is emotionally ready to be separated.

Individuation is the process of self-discovery — of the gradual formation of identity. Through it, the child begins to discover his preferences, desires, his own will, testing where “I” ends and “you” begins.

It is a deep, sacred movement that needs a secure emotional base from which to develop — not separation, but connection and belonging, which make exploration possible.

At this age, the child’s brain is built for co-regulation, not self-regulation.

Children need a support system. They cannot be a support system themselves. Not for themselves, not for other children/siblings, and even less for their parents.

The child can repeat the word “bye,” but does not yet understand its abstract meaning. Conceptual language is just forming — and he associates the emotional tone with the words, not the idea itself.

So when he says “bye” with a smile, and a few moments later bursts into tears, it is not a contradiction — it is development.

The child can speak the word separation, but cannot yet process the experience of it.

True preparation for separation comes later — when the nervous system can sustain security even in the physical absence of the parent, and the attachment bond is strong enough for the child to feel: “Even if you are not with me, I am safe inside.”

Until then, our role is not to rush the process, but to protect it.

Because individuation grows best in the soil of presence, trust, and emotional security — not in forced independence.

Only then can the willingness to discover relationships with others — peers, educators, caregivers — arise naturally and joyfully, without interfering with the process of self-discovery or the formation of inner boundaries.

This openness to the world becomes possible only after the child has discovered who he is and feels safe in his own being.