When Cooperation Becomes a Trap of Pleasing

And how we can replace subtle manipulation with conscious guidance

Around 1.6 to 2 years old, children begin discovering a fundamental truth:

“I am a separate person from mama and papa.”

This marks the beginning of individuation. They say “no,” they resist, they explore—not to challenge us, but to define themselves.

But what happens when, instead of supporting this natural process, we respond with phrases like:

“Daddy kindly asks you to put that back…”“Please do this for mama, she really wants you to…”“Daddy will be sad if you don’t come now…”

It sounds gentle. But the underlying message becomes: “Set aside how you feel and do what pleases me.”

Why do adults use this strategy?

🔸 They want to avoid conflict or crying

🔸 They want quick cooperation in a stressful moment

🔸 They may not be aware of the deeper impact

🔸 They were raised the same way

Children deeply trust their caregivers.

At this stage, they can’t yet distinguish between pleasing out of love and pleasing out of pressure. They want to be “good.” They don’t know yet how to say “no” and still feel safe.

💔 This is how a child learns to comply... instead of listening to themselves.

They may appear cooperative on the outside, while learning on the inside that love means abandoning parts of themselves.

A respectful alternative: describing + guiding

Instead of saying:

“Daddy really asks you to put the toy back…”

You could say:

“I see you found some socks there. You looked at them with curiosity. Let’s see where they belong — we’ll put them in the drawer.”

“I see you’re not ready yet. I’m here. When you're ready, we’ll do it together.”

• You acknowledge what the child is experiencing

• And you still gently guide them in the right direction

Because true cooperation happens when a child feels seen, not subtly pressured.

When they are guided, not manipulated. When they say “yes” from choice, not fear of losing connection.

last but not least, have you ever felt the pressure of a “kind request” and ended up doing the opposite of what you truly felt, just to avoid conflict? Maybe with a smile on your face, but a tightness in your chest…How did that feel? And what would you have needed to hear instead?

Let’s talk about this “goodness” we’re taught… and what it might really cost in the long run.