Understanding and Supporting Explosive Toddlers — Why They Hit and How to Help Them Release Safely

It’s not easy to witness your little one in moments of rage — screaming, hitting, biting, throwing themselves on the floor, or even lashing out at pets.

Many parents feel heartbroken and powerless, torn between guilt and the need to stop the behavior.

But what if these explosions are not acts of defiance — but attempts to communicate something too big to hold inside?

Why distraction doesn’t help

When a child is overwhelmed by anger or frustration, distraction may seem to work — it stops the behavior in the moment.

But in truth, distraction traps the emotion inside. The energy that needed to be expressed gets buried, only to resurface later — often more explosively.

Over time, this builds a pattern of repression and outburst — a cycle that can be avoided when we allow emotions to move through, not be pushed down.

What’s really happening in your toddler’s brain

At around 1½ years old, toddlers begin to understand language, but they still can’t regulate emotions. Their prefrontal cortex — the brain area responsible for self-control and emotional regulation — is still developing and won’t fully mature until around age 7.

So when they feel anger, frustration, or fear, the energy floods their tiny bodies. They literally can’t think — they can only express through movement, sound, and tears.

They don’t yet understand why they feel what they feel — and they need adults to give meaning to those sensations.

Connection before correction

Before anything else, connect with what’s behind the visible behavior.

A tantrum is not a power struggle — it’s an overflow.

You can gently mirror what you see:

“I see there’s a lot of energy inside you. You’re feeling so frustrated right now.”

This helps your child feel seen, which begins to calm their nervous system.

Then, you can gently set boundaries:

“It’s okay to feel angry, but we don’t hit or bite others. That can hurt.”

Hold their hands if needed, with calm firmness — not as punishment, but to keep everyone safe.

Offer a safe way to release

Children need to release energy physically. Otherwise, it stays locked in their system.

Show them how:

“When you feel so much energy, you can throw this pillow on the floor until your body feels better. Let’s do it together!”

Demonstrate. Make it playful, rhythmic, embodied.

You can also create a special anger pillow or a safe corner for releasing strong feelings.

For outdoor settings, give them the opportunity to shake, jump, verbalize/name what they are feeling: “I don’t like this! I’m angry, etc.!” Or combinations of these.

Model emotional honesty

Children learn regulation by imitation.

If you shout or lose control (and we all do sometimes), take responsibility.

Say:

“I’m sorry. I was overwhelmed. It’s not your fault. I’m learning too.”

This models repair — the most powerful emotional lesson of all.

But true repair also asks for responsibility.

If the adult continues to shout, punish, or hit — even after apologizing — the nervous system of the child no longer trusts the words, only the actions.

Real healing comes when the parent learns to regulate their own emotions in the moment, not by perfection, but by practice.

When we show that anger can move without harming, we teach safety at the deepest level — the kind that stays in the body long after the words are gone.

Offer “explosive” games for “explosive” children

Children who express themselves in big, physical ways need big, physical outlets. Their energy is not wrong — it simply needs direction.Encourage activities like:

• Pushing large boxes or pillows

• Rolling on the floor

• Building and knocking down towers

• Jumping, stomping, roaring like lions

• Pretending to be horses or tigers

These activities allow safe physical discharge and help integrate strong sensations in the body. Movement transforms raw energy into connection and play.

Remember: they feel your stress too

Children are deeply sensitive to their caregivers’ emotional states. When you’re stressed, anxious, or tired, your child feels it — and may express what you suppress.You can model healthy release:

• Breathe with your anger instead of holding it

• Use your own anger pillow

• Move, shake, or exhale deeply after a hard moment

When you take care of your emotions, your child learns it’s safe to feel theirs.

When Children Hit or Bite Themselves

Sometimes, during moments of intense frustration or despair, a child may hit, bite, or throw themselves to the floor. This behavior can look alarming, but it often arises from a nervous system overwhelmed by emotion rather than a true wish to hurt themselves.

• For some children, self-hitting or biting may emerge as a bridge toward emotional release—a way to activate the body strongly enough to break through the freeze response and allow crying to surface. In these cases, the child is instinctively seeking discharge and regulation, not punishment.

• For others, especially when no adult presence or trusted presence is nearby, the action may substitute for the missing co-regulation—as if the child’s body becomes both the expresser and the comforter. Without another nervous system to help hold the intensity, the child’s system turns the energy inward.

• In all cases, what helps most is bringing safety and presence: coming close without judgment, ensuring the child cannot truly harm themselves, and softly offering connection (see above).

• Over time, as emotional safety deepens, these self-harming expressions usually transform into tears, reaching out, or verbal communication.

  
  

Final note

Aggressive or explosive behavior in toddlers is not a sign of “badness.”It’s a sign of life force searching for understanding, safety, and rhythm.

With connection, calm boundaries, and safe outlets for release, your child will learn to regulate — one wave at a time.

And so will you.